FlashBack | Armchair Stand-Ups | Issue12

Stand-up comics: You get a few of them together in an online chat room, ask one straightforward question, and it all just spirals into irreverent bedlam. Sheesh! At least my initial suspicions have been confirmed – these people are all quite thoroughly cooked in the head. Dylan Culhane bears witness to the senselessness…

Joey Rasdien

Stand-up comedy is a nerve-wracking profession no matter where in the world you find yourself. Is there anything in particular about SA audiences that make your chosen career paths especially daunting?
John Vlismas: why does everyone think that comedy is such a terrifying job? I often wake up sweating because I dreamed all I could do was bank.
Bevan Cullinan: Hi, what the fuck is going on? John, look another… ‘comedy is a scary difficult career’ question
JV: ja, I’m very brave
Joey Rasdien: john vlismas hoe lyk hulle… awe….
BC: hey Joey
JV: joey, which FHM chick did you have to kick out bed today?
JR: Loyiso’s ex… Laamy….. wassup bev
BC: so… what are you wearing?
JV: my denim shorts, grey sweater and salty balls…
BC: Is this some random prank to get us chatting… because if it is, it would be a lot easier for me to walk downstairs… my finger is sore from typing already
JV: So this is how paedophiles get lucky…
BC: Does anyone mind if I do this chat session with my clothes off?
JV: only if you hook up the i-cam
BC: (flex) I thought this emoticon was a bending turd, but I realise it’s some wanker’s arm…How will they transcribe emoticons?
JV: They will say “then he made a bendy turd come on the screen.”
Judy Jake: (wave) Aloha, sorry I’m late.
BC: FINALLY… someone else to talk absolute shit to…
JV: That’s okay, Judy – we’re just admiring Bevan’s bendy turd… amazing.
JJ: Hello Mr Bevan, haven’t seen you in long time.
BC: Hellooo, been laying low after I tried to throw Zuma with a bendy turd. Where are you guys chatting from?
JV: I’m sitting on a leather chair with my balls out, you guys?
BC: roast chicken position with my ass up against an eighties glass desk
JJ: Drinking coffee, chain smoking on my bed.
JR: Having a shit, smoke and skype
BC: he means jerking off
JR: come to think of it….

JOHN LOYISO AND MYSELF can shit wank smoke skype whenever we want…. benefits of not having a day job

LG: the day is not for jobs – it’s for other shit like going to the zoo…..
JV: (ninja) look, a gay guy.
BC: He is beautiful.
JV: It’s me in a dream.
BC: You move so well john… it must be after you lost your moobs…
JV: (bow) shame, here’s a banker in the mirror when he’s alone after all of the other people have gone home.
BC: (beer) Look a sperm sample from a giant… You do realise we are going to run out of lame emotiwhatsits and then we’ll actually have to talk to each other… I’ll start, Hi, I’m a 24 year old blonde from California, I love the outdoors and long walks on the beach and looking to meet friends, what’s your name.
JV: My name is Colin Moss – I am a thirty something metrosexual and I secretly want to kill and wear Danny K like a coat.
BC: He would look good on you Colin.
JJ: Hi I’m Mandoza, most people think I’m male, but I’m not. I just impersonate a male gangster to sell albums to stupit people.
JV: (punch) these are my angry balls – salty and angry. Oh, and Jude, you spell stupid with a d, love.
JJ: Oh sorry, that was the Mandoza in me coming out.
BC: I’d like to get back to the original question. Comedy in South Africa is only difficult when you’re not funny, then you are normally called a ‘novelty act’ or an ‘idols finalist’
JV: I think that’s true, it sometimes feels like the easiest job in the world, but we all have those nights where it’s like trying to remove a lionfish from your starfish when it’s angry…

John Vlismas

BC: or sometimes you think it’s a good idea taking a gig for a bunch of Koreans who thought they had booked a drag act because of ONE FUCKING picture of you that is still floating on the net
JJ: I don’t know what the fuss is all about. COMEDY ROCKS!!!
Loyiso Gola: yo
JR: young loy n da house
BC: FINALLY…
JV: What time do you call this, Mr Gola
LG: been online all this time, I call this 5:19
BC: Have you been staring at our session all this time while touching yourself in your naughty place?
LG: yes.
JJ: Stereotype, stereotype, stereotype, this is not good Loy
JV: I think stereotypes are actually underrated as the fastest way to establish a common reference point in a mixed crowd – it doesn’t matter what pseudo liberal people whine about, we all seem to hold stereotypes of ourselves as dear as the ones we have of others, so is a common set of stereotypes, agreed on by a democratic process of majority consensus really such a bad thing?
LG: what the fuck is john talking about?
JV: Anyway, a study of any culture is nothing more than a vast and rubber stamped stereotype, so fuck the critics.
JJ: Wow, John, I’ve never seen so many big words in one sentence before. I’m feeling a bit intimidated now.
LG: john why are you so intense dude?
BC: Stereotypes are an excellent way of establishing the lowest common denominator in a crowd and has been successful as a means to make people laugh since the 16th century.

BC: It’s worked for clowns, soapies and politicians.

LG: it’s worked for me too.
BC: EXACTLY… I think I’m going to buy a pair of long beige chinos and a long sleeve blue shirt because everyone is doing it and it’s a real cool stereotype
JJ: I love stereotypes, they make it easy for me to call myself a good judge of character.
BC: good, so it has been decided… stereotypes will be our yard stick for comedy.
LG: have you guys heard about the death of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes.
JJ: Oh yes. I heard yesterday. Pneumonia.
JV: Bernie and Isaac – do you think they were murdered by Scientology? Or is it a virus that only kills middle aged African American entertainers?
JJ: Here I am thinking HIV was the worst!
JV: No the deadliest catch is crabs, I saw it on Discovery.
JV: Lo, how was the Soweto comedy fest for you?
LG: wasn’t there, I had a gig in PE
BC: good choice lo… go to the gigs that pay!
JJ: It wasn’t about the money. I was giving back to the community!
JV: Ja, I like giving to the community, like the English gave small pox to the native Americans.
LG: the community can lick my balls……..
BC: I’ve heard many of them have already famous guy
JV: Ja, you player…
BC: (puke)

Judy Jake

JV: this is first time I’ve ever been in a chat room… I could never whack off at this pace!
JR: Loyiso and myself are in chat rooms at 02:15 in the morning at times… now that is cool
BC: more complicated than a relationship and you don’t even have to look at the person
LG: i’m back bitches…….
BC: yes we know you’re black
JV: why is it always about colour with you people?
BC: another perfect stereotype… 2 points for john
JV: am I winning yet?
JJ: I’m not black. I’m African! Fuck it I’m Black, so what?
BC: Joey can’t work the computer… blame it on apartheid
JV: Judy, you’re not black are you? OMG, this changes everything. What will the children look like? Joey, I suppose.
JJ: hahahahahaha. That’s why I stopped going for blind dates. My name always made them think I was white.
JV: I haven’t seen colour for years.
JJ: Well studies say that most men are colour blind
BC: Hey whatever gets us laid…
JV: like that time you hired that girl with a beard, Bev
BC: Hey, she really knew how to spoon
JV: dude, when you’re that big you “ladle”
BC: I think Loyiso’s coupon at the internet cafe ran out
JV: why hasn’t he sent a “please skype me”
BC: I don’t know dude, this is what happens when you let a couple of comics loose in a chat room without a mediator. Comedy is not a pretty thing
JV: I once ended up doing coke in a toilet at a night club with a she man who said “do anything you like to me” so I kneed him in the balls and took his coke.
BC: as I was saying… not a pretty thing
JR: the sex of a monkey in a non paying zoo were dodos and grey african birds cross fuck
…?